it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You smell like stripper and shame
what day is it and did you see me today?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
