just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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