You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
