I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
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