Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
