Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
