Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
