How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
