I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
