Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
