Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
