Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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