So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
