I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
