Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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