dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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