I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
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