happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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