i barfeds in our rink
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
