By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It's official drugs can't kill me
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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