My first STD was from a foam party
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
