my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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