i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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