i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
