I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
