And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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