Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
