I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
