btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
