my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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