I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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