we're chasing vodka with high fives
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
