Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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