Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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