Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
