He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
