these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
