woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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