Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
