I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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