Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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