I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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