i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize