you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
well I can't set my house on fire every night
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
