My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
