I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
