just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
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