This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
