dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
