you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
