WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
