Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
