Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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