My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
