Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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