I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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