definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
